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Another Valentine's Day Alone, Better Get Used To It, It's How I'm Spending My Whole Life

2003-02-15::2:28 p.m.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day Everyone! Hope everyone had a wonderful day yesterday, complete with nauseating displays of public affection that would make yours truly, spinster for life, want to slit her wrists. Actually, I can't complain about my Valentine's. I had a decent time. What did I do? Oh, I'm glad you asked, otherwise this would have made for a pretty boring entry.

So, woke up yesterday at noon. Lovely. Sat on the couch, on the computer, stewing in my own stench. Not so lovely. In fact, things were looking pretty fucking dismal until around 5:30, when a friend of mine, Jen, called to see if we were still going to the movies, (we had made plans earlier in the week to, but I still waited for her to call me. Why? Do you read The Onion? I am totally Scott Perotta). So, after taking the quickest shower of my life, I met up with her at the theatre to see The Pianist.

Brief interruption- I just took a quick break to grab some chow, and while doing so, flicked on the boob tube to Soul Train, which is always a good time. Today's musical guest- Lil' Romeo. God, it was awful. Scantily clad women all shakin' their shit behind him. And he's all messing up the lip-sync. Poor thing. The cutest though was the post-rap wrap-up, in which he talked about his love for his fans, his watches on both wrists, (Covering seven time zones between the two. Why? Because he never knows where he's going to be next.), and his grades, (13 A's, and 1 B last semester).

Anyway, where did I leave off? Oh, yes, The Pianist. Adrien Brody was just amazing. Our plan was to cry our eyes out; however, the film wasn't quite the cry-fest we had imagined. Rather, it was horrifyingly sad. The kind of sad where you cover your mouth, scrunch yourself up, avert your eyes, and let out a little cry. It was heartbreakingly brilliant.

After the movie, it was still early, so I went back to Jen's, where we drank beer, listened to cds, and shot the shit. Pretty much just killing time until we left to meet up with our mutual crush at the bar. It's completely awful to have a mutual crush with someone you really want to be good friends with. Because, let's face it, even though you don�t want to let it interfere with your friendship, it does. Perfect example- my birthday party last week. The crush was there, and so was Jen. The crush sat next to me on the couch where we proceeded to chat, and stayed there throughout the night. However, when I got up later in the evening to get another drink, Jen leapt into my place on the couch. For awhile I tried sitting on the other side of her, but that was obstructing my view of the crush, so what did I do? I sat in the floor directly in front of him. How ugly! Katie, who knows about the whole situation, thought it was pretty funny, but doesn�t think he noticed. It�s basically just little shit like that going on back and forth. Both of us are way to shy to ever tell the crush we like him, so we just spend every minute obsessing about him, looking for signs that he might like one of us. We�ll never find any though. Why? Because he is the nicest, most polite, sweetest, friendliest guy in the world. He is truly a sweetheart to everyone. You get no hints as to who he has his eye on, because he treats everyone the same. Of course, maybe he would treat someone he liked different, and I just don�t know because he doesn�t like me or Jen.

So, we went up to the bar, and got there a little early. None of the Borders crew was there yet, so we grabbed a table and some beer. Luckily we didn�t have to wait long before the light of our lives entered the bar. He brought two fellow co-workers with him, which was cool, because otherwise, how awkward would the situation have been? Me, Jen, and the crush? The three of us together on Valentine�s Day? Sad.

From there we proceeded to drink more, as well as bitch about the latest major upset at work. The firing of our beloved Rene. I was so upset by the news, that I almost started crying at the table. I hate Borders. I hate the whole fucking corporation so much. And, unfortunately, I have become their little whore. I depend solely on the money they pay me to live. So, even though I am outraged by the dismissal of Rene, all I can do is fucking grin and bear it, because without that job, I would be completely fucked. And I hate that. I hate being dependent on them. There is nothing more that I�d like to do than go in there tomorrow and slap them with a letter of resignation- two weeks notice my ass. However, I can�t, because I am in the position where I depend on that fucking paycheck for my food and shelter. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick. They have no loyalty to their fucking employees at all. We work our asses of for them, and they exploit us every chance they get, and they fire people who have given them years of their life, rather than sit down and figure out what they are doing to drive their employees into such a state of unhappiness, because our sales are awful and we need to cut the payroll, even though the store is already operating on a skeleton crew, so a quick solution is to fire the employees, starting with those with the most seniority, because they are making too much, and well, we can find someone to do their job for less. Sorry, I know that was a ridiculous run-on sentence. Point is, this corporation goes against every principle I have, and what I need to do is find another fucking job, but I am reluctant to because a) there isn�t much out there for a girl without a college degree, and b) I have too much seniority built up now, I am finally going to be receiving benefits, to just throw it all away and start from scratch at another corporation that will just bend me over and fuck me up the ass as well. Oh my God, I am so sorry.

So, that�s how our night went. Things were going well, until the news about Rene put a damper on the whole evening. The crush, God love him, tied to cheer me up though, by showing me that he had put the valentine I had given him in his press pass that we have to wear at work. I know what you�re thinking, big fucking deal, but it was. The press passes are a symbol of our individuality; mine has pictures of Brittney Spears and Wayne in it. The crush�s had nothing in it. Now it holds my Valentine, coincidentally close to his heart. See, I can make the most insignificant detail into a reason for me to shower, shave my legs, and put on lip gloss. Boys just don�t know how the dumb, sweet, little things they do can tear a girl apart. Want another example from last night that makes me want to marry this man? Walking down the street to catch a cab, I am walking on the outside, the side of the sidewalk near the street, not thinking anything of it, the boy notices, and says, �Wait, you are walking on the outside�, and steps over to the outside to allow me to walk on the inside mumbling something about manners. I didn�t even know that was the courteous thing to do. How many men do that? Not too fucking many. This is the kind of man who opens doors for you, checks your coat, buys your drinks, etc., and he isn�t even dating you. How can a girl not fall in love with that? He is so sincere and sweet. He has said some of the nicest things to me, and I can tell that they are heartfelt. Like how he hopes I have many more birthdays in Chicago, how if I stay here next year, he�ll step down from his position at our store, so I can have it because he knows I could use the extra money for school and all, etc. Add to all of this sweetness his unbelievable breadth of knowledge, (he knows something, if not everything, about everything), his sense of humor, his storytelling abilities, his taste in music, movies, and books, (the man fucking quotes Salinger), and how am I supposed to do anything other than swoon? Oh yeah, and then there is the whole fact that he is ridiculously handsome, which, I wish he wasn�t, because then I wouldn�t feel so awful about being smitten with him. You know, ugly nerdy girl pining after the attractive, completely unattainable, older man, what are the odds that that�ll work out? I try my best to make him dead to me, to find another crush, and to just move on, but with my limited social circle, so far I�ve had no luck. I suppose it would help if when I went out somewhere, my one and only constant prerequisite wasn�t that the crush be there as well.

Ugh, okay, it is sufficiently too late in the day to still be lying on the couch, with the laptop burning a hole in my lap. Time to get up, get dressed, and do something with the remains of the day. Hope you all had a good Valentine�s Day yesterday, and for those with real jobs, enjoy your long weekend. I think I hear half a pint of butter pecan ice cream calling my name. I promise, after I eat it, I�ll get off my ass; I just need the sugar to give me the energy to do that.