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d-ring mothaload

Why am I So Word Salad?

2002-04-06::2:12 a.m.

One great thing about Friday nights- MTV2 Dance! It's on from 1-4am, and I luv it! I just saw Amber's "Sexual." The whole program reminds me of Wayne, and lately, reminders of Wayne=good.

Today was a fun day. I was lazy, as per usual, and rather than getting up by 10am, as I had promised myself I would, I got up at 12:30pm. Lovely. I am officially the laziest girl on the face of the earth- I cannot get my fat fucking ass out of bed before noon anymore. It really is very sad. Also, my room looks like a warzone again, and even though I step on at least one cd a day and crack its case, and have no clean clothes left, I refuse to clean my shit up. I totally need to work on the mess, otherwise known as my life, tomorrow after work. So, after getting up, I ate chinese food like there was no tomorrow, proceeded to lie around, and received 2 packages in the mail, (both a result of my polyvinyl shopping spree). Finally around 2:30pm, I called Kelly who had called during the peak of my laziness this afternoon, when I was too "weak" to get up and answer the phone, and the two of us made plans to go out to the mall for the JCPenney Outlet's going-out-of-business sale. Because I take the longest showers in the world (don't laugh, but that is where I do all of my great thinking), we didn't actually leave until around 3:30pm, knowing ahead of time that I had to be to work by 6pm, and that with rush hour, at least an hour of our time was going to be sucked up by driving. So we got there, and had just enough time to find me the most adorable tennis shoes in the world, but we didn't have enough time to wait in the massive lines to pay for them (we plan on returning Sunday), so we left and headed not to our cars, but to the Sanrio store, where I bought a zillion things for only $30! The most exciting purchase- a Hello Kitty Paris vegetable tray for a mere $13! Me? A 22 year old virgin dork? Never!

After our fun at Sanrio, Kelly bought me a pretzel, and we headed for home where we almost died in a surprise blizzard of wet snow/hail. Yes, you heard me right, a fucking snowstorm on April 5th! God, I hate Michigan. Too bad Chicago is going to be worse weatherwise. However, all of Chicago's various other "perks" should make up for the shit ass weather. Perhaps my favorite part of today was in the car, Kelly and I were singing along to a mix cd JAls made her, and for a second there, I really felt very happy and like everything was going to be okay. Besides the usual Wayne depression, I have been falling apart mentally for like the last year, the last 3 months especially, and I sort of feel like I am going a little bit crazy, but today, singing in Kelly's car, I felt like myself again for the first time in a long time, and it was really a nice feeling. So, we just made it home in time for me to get to work on time(I had been hoping the whole way home that somehow something would happen to make me have to call into work- I just didn't feel like going in today).

So, as I mentioned, I have been feeling a little crazy lately. This has resulted in a descision which will have a major impact on my life- I decided to drop out of Wayne State. Shit, I know what you are all thinking and saying, the same things I wrestled over in my head, and the same things I heard from everyone of my friends- "but you are so close to being finished," "it's going to make getting a nicer job in Chicago harder," "why don't you/can't you stick it out?," why didn't you drop out/transfer sooner?," "I can't decide if I think it is really brave, or really stupid." Well friends, I can't decide how I feel about it yet either. All I know is that I wasn't happy there, and it affected me to the point where I began to not care about what happened to me. I did the least amount of work possible to keep myself at a passing grade in my classes, and towards the end, I didn't even do that. I was studying just to pass tests, not because I had any desire to learn, and therefore I forgot everything I studied the minute I was tested on it. I started skipping class on a regular basis, and quit going altogether- in March I only went to 2 classes! What can I say? I tried to fool myself into believing that I could be happy with my sociology degree, and happy with the education I was getting at Wayne, and although I perfected the art of lying to professors, family, and friends, in the end, I couldn't lie to myself, and it all caught up with me. I was in the most horrible rut. I hated school, it made me physically ill just to think about it, and I felt like I was learning more sitting at home reading, than I was going downtown to listen to some pretentious professor drone on and on about sociology concepts I learned in my intro sociology class anyway. I lost any sense of pride I had in myself and my education, and instead of being enthusiastic about what I was learning and about graduating, I was putting myself, and my education down every chance I got, going as far to call my future degree, "toliet paper." Finally all of these things ate away at me to a point where I just decided that leaving Wayne State was my best option. I haven't been doing what I want to do for the last four years! My college career was based on making others happy, while moving further and further away from my real goals. I have wanted to be an architect since I was 12. Why was I wasting my time doing something I didn't want to do? Because I felt trapped, I felt like I was blocked in achieving my goals, and that I had to make the best of my situation at Wayne, when really, I should have left long ago and tried to go somewhere else for school.

So, that brings us to now. Since the decision to leave Wayne, I have been much happier with myself. I can actually read again, and have finished four books in the last week, (one of which was The Coldest Winter Ever, which I hated, not because I couldn't appreciate the subject matter, not because I didn't understand where the author was going, but because it was poorly written. The only aspect of the book worthy of merit was that the author wrote it using language very consistent with how the characters would speak in real life. I also read, The Color Purple, The Shining, and Life After God-all excellent). I also began working as close as Borders could get me to full time without having to give me benefits (yipee!). So, all in all, things are going good, except I have my third sinus infection of the year, and I am still sleeping a ridiculous amount of the day away.

Huh, so last time I wrote a real update I promised to fill you all in on the Michigan Fest. I will sum it up here in 8 short sentences/fragments. 1)Pretentious indie kids galore. 2) Death Cab for Cutie fucking rocked, (I will marry Ben Gibbard, he just doesn't know it yet). 3) Aloha and the Liars fucking rocked. 4) Crush Kill Destroy, or CKD as they are called by those "in the know," fucking rocked. 5) I took many pictures, which I have yet to get developed. 6) I bought much merch. 7) Wayne, Michigan is both weird and kinda scarry. 8) Katie and I are both A)mainstream, and B) bitches, (as if there was any doubt). That just about sums it up.

The weekend of the Michigan Fest was also the weekend of the Oscars, and so after a little arm-twisting, but not too much, Katie came with me to Justin's Oscar party, where she finally got to meet the kids I consider my friends from my store. A good time was had by all. Justin was cracking me up, as usual, and I had a lot of fun spending time with Jay and Julia again. I hope I am invited to next year's party as well- I would totally drive home from Chicago for it.

I don't have much else to report, so I will tell you all two more things which are unrelated, and then I will be out. 1) Sunday the Kids in the Hall are coming to Detroit, and guess who has tickets? Yours truly. 2) For Easter I received many fat things from my mom- a 6 pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, a large Hersey Bunny, a Cadbury gift box, with three of the little eggs and a large milk chocolate egg, and $20 of lotto tickets (she knows me so well. Kinda of sad that I get these things though considering I am both an atheist and twenty-fucking-two years old!). What do I have left? The six-pack of Reese's eggs, one small Cadbury egg, and the $5 I won on the lotto tickets. I can't believe how much chocolate I consumed this last week, I must be PMSing. The low point occured yesterday when I ate the large Cadbury milk chocolate egg in one sitting, and then ate precisely one strawberry to cleanse my palette. I felt like puking all day. A good note to end on, don't you think?