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2001-07-13::3:42 a.m.

Ugh, why am I still up? I had the best intentions of being in bed two and a half hours ago. I am retarded. So, what's new with Tina? Not too much really. The last week has been good for the most part. I got my car back after a million repairs and shelling out $340 that I don't have, I returned to work after "vacationing" for two weeks, (oops!), I finally sent my letter and cd out to Adam, (It was too sappy/crazy, he'll probably hate me, but keep your fingers crossed for me anyway!), I went to the movies with my friend Justin, (We went and saw Scary Movie 2- so dirty, but it made me laugh. Worth the $8? Probably not.), I discovered that I have a rough plan for my life for the next year or so, (Every once in awhile I get completely scared out of my mind as to where my life is headed, and then I have a good talk with some one I look up to, this week, Dr. Toro, and then I feel for the next week or so, that I may actually do great things with my life.), and, hold on to your hats loyal readers- I started exercising! I know, I know, what in the hell is a fatty like me doing, thinking she can just pick up and start exercising. Well, don't worry, I mean I don't have a membership to a gym or anything...yet. Basically I just started doing this ab routine thing I found online. I know how ugly this all sounds trust me, but my goal is to lose 20 pounds within the next 2 months. I know, I am always making plans and never following through with them, but this time I am really going to stick with it. Oh, I forgot, something else completely spectacular happened this week- I finally stopped being a baby, and I called my friend Maria in Germany. God, it was so good to talk to her. Our problems were constantly weighing on the back of my mind, and I just wanted everything to be okay with us again. It is horrible to think that for the last two months she and I have been estranged, just because I was too stupid to respond to her e-mail and work things out. Why did I take so long to get back to her? I don't know, I really don't. It's this horrible problem I have, ask Katie. Katie and I were having problems this fall, and she wrote me an e-mail, and I didn't respond for over a month. Why do I do this? I have no idea. It just makes everything so much harder, because then you have other people getting involved, and the original problem gets completely blown out of porportion, to the point where, with both Maria and Katie, I thought that my procrastination in working things out had definitely lead to the demise of our friendships. Well, in both cases, things got worked out, Katie and I are better than ever now, and Maria and I are definitely a lot better than we were in say May.

So, all in all, things are looking up. Why then did I get so depressed tonight? It was crazy, pretty much all day I was in a good mood, and then I left the house at like 11pm to return some movies my family had rented, and I found myself unsuccessfully fighting back tears on the way to the video store. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden this wave of loneliness washed over me. It was horrible, I started thinking about all of my friends, and then I started really missing Wayne. Actually, I always miss Wayne, he is always to some extent in my thoughts, what I mean is that in my car tonight I let myself realize again that he was dead. I think most of the time I get by just by not thinking about him as being dead, almost like I pretend he is on vacation or something, and so I usually am not dwelling on the fact that I will never see him again. However, sometimes, it hits me like a ton of bricks, and I remember that he is gone forever, and the pain of letting myself realize that he is gone is as intense as when I first found out he had been killed, and it is at these times when I let myself really cry for him. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me. How do you not realize every waking moment that one of your best friends is dead? I don't know how it happens, but it does happen, and I think it is just my brain's way of letting me cope with it all. Even now, as I type this, I am not crying because I am in one of those moments where his death is not "real" to me. It just happens, that's how I can keep a smile on my face when visiting his mother, or talk about his accident in detail, or how I am able to go out with Jenny and do things that the three of us would do together. How else could I even drive through my neighborhood, knowing that he and I had driven all of the very same roads together? How else could I listen to Madonna, knowing that he was her all time number one fan? How else can I get through birthdays, and holidays, and every other special thing that happens that I would have shared with him if he were still here? How else can I live? Right now the only way I can is to not let myself be consciously aware ever second of every day that he is gone, but when I do let my guard break down, and when I do let myself dwell on the subject, then watch out, because it is almost like I am experiencing all of those feelings for the first time, when in actuality I have been experiencing them all to some degree non-stop since January 25, the day after his accident, the day I got word that he had been killed.

So tonight was a prime example. I am in my house, and everyone is getting ready for bed, and this is the time of night when Wayne would usually be getting home from work, and he and I would go grab a bite to eat. But Wayne won't be coming home anymore, and so tonight, like other nights, I have to fill the time I would usually be spending with him by doing other things. Some nights it is spending time with my other friends, some nights it is reading, and some nights it is spending way too much of my time online, visiting Mrs. Cleo's website or something equally as useless, but usually just chatting with Jenny. Tonight, however, Jenny is in Marquette for orientation at NMU, and I have read one too many cosmo articles online about how to please your man than a girl without a man should. So, I decide to take the movies back and then take a drive. Maybe it was the Modest Mouse song I had playing in the car, or maybe it was just the fact that it was 11pm on a Thursday night and I had nothing better to do than take back our movies, whatever the reason, I started feeling really lonely, and missing all of my friends. And then I got to thinking about Wayne, and then I thought about Besse moving to Georgia, and about how Maria won't be home for another month and a half, and about how Jenny is going to be all the way up in Marquette come the end of August, and how Kate is in Ann Arbor, which isn't really that far away, but feels like it at 11 o'clock. Somewhere in between all of that thinking, I managed to successfully drop off the movies, and drove through tears first past Wayne's house to see the lamp his mom has on a timer burning in his window, and then because I figured I was crying to hard to drive, I ended up at the parking lot of my old high school where Jenny and I sometimes go to drink slurpees and reminisce. Tonight I went there because it was the only place I could think of where I would have enough privacy to listen to my music and cry in peace. My room at home is only five feet away from my parent's, so any noise I make can be heard. So I spent quite awhile there, and once I was done with the tears, I decided to take a drive through Royal Oak, which, for those of you not familiar with the Metro-Detroit area, is a pretty lively suburb not far from where I live. I was expecting it to be quiet there, figuring it was almost midnight by that time, and was only a Thursday night. I was wrong though- all of the biker's were there sporting their leather jackets and jeans (it was kinda chilly tonight, although when it comes to biker's I don't think it ever gets hot enough to make them remove their leather). So once through the city, and then I was homeward bound, where I read, did my crazy exercises, which I will be sore from tomorrow, and started writing this long-winded entry. Think it is about time I wrapped it up? Yeah, me too. Let's recap, this week has been pretty good, but I missed my friends, so I let myself have a good cry tonight, and come tomorrow all should be well again, except for my sore muscles. Time for bed now. Night-night all!