most recent

diaryland

past entries

guests

e-mail

d-ring mothaload

Wayne, Eric, A Nice Telephone Call, and Germany

2001-03-03::12:01:00

Wow, I haven't updated in awhile. Diaryland has completely changed and added a bunch of fun new stuff. That's cool, maybe when I feel in a fun mood I will play around with my profile and stuff. So yeah, I haven't written since just after Wayne died. Can I just tell you all that his death has been the single most horrible, hurtful experience of my life? I have lost family members before, but they were older and it wasn't such a shock. Wayne's death has just floored me though. I never realized how close I was to him, how much time I spent with him, and how much he impacted my life until he was gone. I just miss him so much, and most of the time it feels like this is all unreal, a dream or something, and that any second he will call me up. Then there are times when I realize that it isn't a dream or that we didn't just get in some stupid fight and aren't speaking to each other. I wish that was the case, because I could call him up and make things right. Do you know how horrible it is to know that I can't fix this? That I can't bring him back? That I can't undo this? That I can't be taken in his place? This is a pain I could never have ever imagined myself going through. Oh, I have had my share of ups and downs, hardships and heartaches, but when I don't try to block it out, when I give in and let myself get in touch with my real feelings, then I feel the worst pain in my life. My whole body aches and sobs. But I have been trying my hardest to be strong, to be a tough ass, to keep up with everything I have to do, to keep busy so I don't have time to dwell in my thoughts. And so, about 90% of my time is spent burying all of my feelings. Even now, as I write this, I am not letting myself break down. Part of me just wants to lie in bed for days and weep, but I won't let myself do that. I know I can't let myself do that. Tonight has been a very hard night. Hell, this week has been a very hard week. I spent the afternoon with Wayne's mother and sister one day this week, and you would think that would have made me feel better, but it just made me feel worse. It has been so hard to think about him this week, let alone talk about him, and that's all we did Wednesday afternoon. Tonight I am feeling like a real baby. Besides all of the stuff I am feeling about Wayne, I have a horrible crush on someone at work. Tonight the boy I am in love with at work was talking about how he is going to Chicago with his girlfriend next weekend, and it made me sick to my stomach to think about her going to museums with him and singing with him in the car on the drive down and all the other cute shit they will do together. They are going to have so much fun, cause he is a really great guy, but she just makes me sick. She works at the same place we do, although the opposite shift, but I have worked with her a few times, and wow, I just think she is the most uninteresting, annoying, clingy person I have ever met. I must be missing something though, because I have a hard time believing that he would let himself date such a blah girl. But I guess a blah girl is better than a fat girl, right? Must be, because why else would he pick her over me? God, I am just going to give up. He isn't going to dump her and fall in love with me, so why am I even wasting my time. I have said it before and I will say it again- a life of spinsterhood is what I have in store for me. Ugh, so yeah, usually this kid at work brightens my day, but today all his girlfriend talk made me really sad. I just feel so alone sometimes. I don't have many friends, and now that Wayne is gone, I have been spending a lot more of my time alone. So, in the car on the way home from work tonight, I was dwelling on my loneliness. When I got home I had a nice surprise waiting for me though. My friends Kelly and Matt, who I don't really see very often, due mostly to conflicting schedules, had called to see if I wanted to hang out with a them and a group of other friends. Of course I didn't get home until almost midnight so I didn't get to hang out with them, but it was just nice to know that they wanted to include me. Ugh, yeah, and so that was my night, and here I am now, pooring my heart out to my computer and trying hard not to make everyone who reads this sick from all of my lame complaining. Huh, um, I almost don't want to type this last part of my diary, because after you read this you are going to think I am crazy. Sunday, I am leaving for Germany. I know what you are thinking, a second ago I was talking about how lonely and pathetic I am, and now I am telling you I am leaving for Germany, what the fuck is wrong with me? Good question. You would think I would be more excited to be leaving and wouldn't be so digustingly whiny and depressed, but I don't know, I am just having a hard time building myself up for the trip. Am I even going to have fun? I hope so. I am going to visit my friend who is going to school in Munich this year, and I haven't seen her since September, so I am happy about that, but am I going to be able to enjoy Munich? Am I going to be able to let myself have a good time? What am I going to do, just tuck all of this depression away for the next two weeks and cover it all up with drunken fun in Germany? Is that possible? Is that the right thing to do? Am I going to feel cheap for going and letting myself enjoy myself? Am I really going to be able to really enjoy myself, rather than having pseudo-fun? I don't know how to mesh all of these feelings and thoughts together and so I am really nervous about this trip. I hope I am going to be able to have real fun. Ugh, I guess I will just have to wait and see.