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d-ring mothaload

G'N'R, Brother Bruce, and My Grandma

2001-08-19::1:59 a.m.

Okay, okay, so maybe it isn't the greatest song on the face of the earth, but it is still pretty fucking great. Do you like how I just used the word fuck four times in three sentences? G'N'R will do that to you, I guess. Tonight, I was going through all of my MP3's, and I completely forgot that I had Patience on there. Once I found it, I listened to it on repeat for about two hours, I shit you not. During this time I also joined a thousand new diaryrings. There were some great ones out there that I didn't even know existed. So, if you are really all that interested in which rings I am a proud new member of, just click on the link above, otherwise, let's move on.

So, last night was great fun in that it provided a much needed break in the monotony that is my life. Kelly, Matt, Tom and I, (or the Magic 4 as Matt has nicknamed us), all went to play pool again last night. Of course the Magic Stick had a crazy private party going on, and of course they neglected to mention the party in any publication or on their automated phone service, so we again drove to Detroit for no reason. After racking our brains for alternatives, and even attempting to play at a divey little bar known as the Stop Spot, we finally ended up at Mr. B's in Royal Oak where we played two horrible, but surprisingly close games. Kelly and Matt won both games, because I suck at pool and was of no help to Tom. I guess our lack of pool playing skills made for good entertainment though, as we acquired an audience during our games consisting of two very greasy men and the asshole doorman who stared at us from afar. After pool, we went back to Tom's house where we met up with Mike, and Tom's sister, consumed some beer and many Froo-froo drinks, (as the boys call them), and began a drunken Army of Darkness is, it gets a thousand times greater when you A) Watch it in surround sound, B)Watch it with a bit of an alcohol buzz, and C) Watch the extra scenes in the director's cut, after the movie, during the peak of your buzz, with the Bruce Campbell commentary on. After our Bruce fix, we took a brief break in Tom's backyard where we wowed each other by showing off our nonexistent ninja skills. This ultimately resulted in Matt's inability to ever conceive children thanks to Tom, and after we were done laughing at Matt as he rolled around on the concrete in pain, we decided to head back indoors where we tuned into Iron Chef for the Shanghai Cabbage battle. Kelly was turned off by the cabbage ice cream, whereas I found the large fried sea bass, (eyeballs and all), to be the most disturbing thing I had ever seen being cooked, and subsequently, the most disturbing thing I had ever seen being eaten. All in all, quite a fun night.

So, I was talking to JAls today, and she revealed to me how she lives for my stories about my grandma. For those of you who don't know, my grandma, who is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, moved into our house in the beginning of May. Her stay has since provided me with much aggrevation and also a wealth of comedic material. Today, JAls recalled an incident which took place last Friday that she found to be particularly entertaining. Here's what happened: I had taken some film in that day to be developed, and, mind you, this film was pretty old, so I had forgotten a lot of what was on it. Anyway, I was flicking through my pictures in the car before heading home, and I came to one which stopped me dead in my tracks. I sat there for a whole thirty seconds, maybe more, trying in vain to figure out who in the hell the picture was of, thinking that perhaps someone else's pictures had gotten mixed in with mine, before I realized that it was a picture I had taken of my grandma! I had completely forgotten it was in there, and it was so hideous, that I didn't even recognize it as being her! Grandma wears a wig, has false teeth, and never will let anyone see her without them on. Therefore, I thought that it would be funny if one morning I knocked on her door, stuck my camera in, and snapped a pic before she was "decent." The resulting picture was truly terrifying, especially seeing as how I am blood related to her, and could very well be catching a sneak-peak of my future. Had I known the photo would be that horrible, I would have never taken it. Originally, I was going to scan it in here, but I think I have too much respect for my grandmother to embarrass her like that just for a cheap laugh. Maybe someday she will really piss me off, and I will decide that she deserves the ugliest picture ever taken of her in her life plastered on the web. I know how cruel that must sound, me threatening to embarrass my poor grandmother with Alzheimer's over the internet. But, here are the things you need to know before judging me, 1) My grandma is only in the very beginning stages of Alzheimer's, so she is still very much with it, and is not as sweet and defenseless as one might think, and 2) She didn't have Alzheimer's forever, she has pulled a lot of shit in the past, and quite frankly, she is lucky we didn't kill her five years ago. Anyway, so although the picture isn't here tonight, there is a good possibility that it will end up here eventually given my grandma's track record for pissing me off. Until then, if you want a mental picture of what the photo looked like, just think back to what that creepy old man in Poltergeist 2 looked like, take away his teeth, and picture him lying in his bed on a hot summer morning with the comforter pulled up around his head. That's my grandma in a nutshell.