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Real World, 0% Self Esteem Club, Fun with my Senile Grandma

2001-06-19::10:48 p.m.

Tonight was the greatest night of my life. Okay, not really the greatest, but up there. Why you might ask? Because tonight was the Real World 10th Anniversary Special. Oh, my god, I was so fucking enthralled with the whole thing. I don't know why, but I have been obssessed with that show since the first season. I was a little disappointed though, in that 1) Dominick from the L.A. cast was not there, and 2) They only had like a 20 second spot with Lars (awesome German dj from the London cast), and all he had to say was that he truly regrets having been on the show. MTV definitely played favorites tonight, and ignored a lot of cast members there who I would have liked to have heard more from, like Kia from Hawaii, (God, I loved to make fun of her). Anyway, other than that, it was good to see Neil again (also from the London cast, hubba, hubba), and even Andre, (New York cast), came out for the occasion. Ugh, I need help guys.

So, I was just reading Jenny's diary, and here's what I have to say- my friends and I need to get to the Self Esteem Shop, ASAP. We are all so negative all of the time, and I don't know why, but someone or something has instilled in us all the idea that we are not worthy enough to be liked by others, let alone loved by others. Jenny, for example, is all stressed out about this guy, Mike, who she adores, and doesn't think there is an possibility that he could like her back. And well, if you have read any of my diary, then you know that I always have a pessimistic attitude when it comes to boys, take this new online crush, Adam, as an example (who, even as I am writing, is online. Like how I put him on my buddy list even though I have no intention of IMing him, but just because I want to keep tabs on him?). And well, I don't want to get into all of my friends personal lives, but there are similar examples among us all. Is this normal for women? Does everyone have these doubts as to whether they are worthy of being loved by someone else? Why don't my friends and I love ourselves as much as we love each other? I mean, I don't get it. I have the best friends in the world. I don't think I could make it without them. So, why are we all so self-depreciating? Why do we constantly pick ourselves apart? They say, "You're your own worst critic," and with us, that is definitely true. It makes me so sad sometimes, because when I read things like Jenny's last diary entry, I realize that my friends beat themselves up as much as I beat up myself, and I know how much I hurt myself, I don't want to think about them hurting themselves like that. God, what's wrong with us? We all need a trip to the self esteem shop and a heart-to-heart with Queen Latifah or something to turn us around.

I don't think I have written about this here yet, but my crazy wig-haired grandma has been living with us since about April of this year. At first, I thought I would kill her. She is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's you see, and yes, I know how bad that sounds, but it is really hard to deal with her sometimes. Now, don't get me wrong, she is only in the beginning stages, so it is not like she doesn't know who we are or anything, she just tells me the same story 97 times, and leaves the stove on, and swears a lot. You have not lived until you have heard your grandma say "Fuck," or talk about Viagra, or use the phrase "not getting any." It's great fun having her here. The reason I bring this all up, is because my grandma has this way of interrupting me to tell me the stupidest stories- tonight was a perfect example. I was in my room, writing in my diary, and she was out in the living room watching the eleven o'clock news, when all of a sudden she busts into my room to inform me of the latest breaking story. Are you ready for this? Supposedly tonight the news had a story on how the new thing in Royal Oak is bottled water, and how they have it in almost every single flavor imaginable. My grandma had to tear my door down to tell me that? What's wrong with her? I mean, I guess you just had to be there, but Jesus, with all of the other things on the news, she thought that was the story she needed to inform me of. Can we say senile? I love her though, I do. I especially love how she watches Court TV and CNN all day, and shouts play-by-plays to me of the Timothy McVeigh execution, and other such things, while I am trying to study. I love my grandma, I do.